


Falling For the King- Book One

by DestielsBabyBoyJack



Series: Falling For the King [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Multi, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 02:53:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17378240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DestielsBabyBoyJack/pseuds/DestielsBabyBoyJack
Summary: My name is Nyssa. I have been friends with Dean Winchester, his boyfriend, the angel Castiel, and his brother Sam, for eight years. Well, more than friends, in Dean and Cas’ case. That’s how I first met the demon, Crowley, the King of Hell.My every instinct screamed at me not to, but I couldn't help it. I fell in love with his charm, wit, and sarcasm. And I’ve always been a sucker for accents.But I never told him, because I never thought he would think of me as anything other than “Squirrel’s girlfriend”. And now it’s too late. I’ve spent the last year and a half regretting it. But I’m about to get another chance.





	Falling For the King- Book One

**Author's Note:**

> I used episode 12x23 of Supernatural as part of my story, but the rest of it is straight from my imagination. This is my first story on AO3, so I’m sorry if it sucks.

*flashback*  
Dean, Sam, Mary and I were looking for signs, trying to get a bead on where Lucifer might be, since he had escaped from the cage that Crowley’s mother Rowena had trapped him in.

“Hey, listen to this. A two-headed calf was born in Lava Hot Springs, Idaho. That’s weird.” Dean walks over to the table where Mary and I are sitting.

“That is weird.” Mary says, as I say “well, that’s adorable.” at the same time.

Sam takes the iPad from Dean. “Yeah, but not our kind of weird. Look, whatever this is, it’s gonna be big, it’s gonna be bad-“

Suddenly Crowley appears in the chair at the end of the table. “You rang?” he says in his gorgeous British accent. I blush and fix my hair and clothes a bit. Sam hugs me, while Dean rolls his eyes. “Hello boys.”

Before any of us could react, Dean stalks towards Crowley and punches him so hard the chair he’s sitting in falls backwards, taking him with it. He pulls his demon blade out of his pocket, holding it to Crowley’s neck.

“Dean! What the hell?!” I scream, half rising from my chair before Sam lays a hand on my shoulder.

“Did you do it? Did you let Lucifer out?!” Dean growls angrily.

“I didn’t let... Moose, a little help here?”

“Dean..” Sam and I say at the same time. He shakes his head at me. I bite my lip, sighing softly. “Just don’t kill him.”

“Seriously?!” Dean and Mary say incredulously, as I mouth ‘thank you’ behind their backs.

“He worked the cage spell with Rowena, maybe he can help us.”

“What if he can’t?” Mary asks.

“Well then we kill him.” Sam says, and I glare at him.

“Seriously, Sam?!”

Dean reluctantly let’s Crowley up, and he angrily adjusts his shirt and suit coat. “Cage spell? Thought we had mother for that?”

“Rowena’s dead.” Dean says harshly.

“Really?” Crowley asks disbelievingly.

“Really,” Sam says. “Lucifer.”

“Funny. Always thought I’d be the one to kill her.” Crowley frowns. I snicker, covering my mouth with my hand.

“Crowley, why did you do it? Save Lucifer? What did you want?” Sam asked, shifting his weight and crossing his arms.

“I wanted to win. I perverted mother’s spell, put Lucifer in a vessel of my own choosing, because I wanted to win. Do you know how many people have made a play for my throne over the years? Lucifer, Abbadon, blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Too. Damn. Many. I thought if I could put the Devil on a leash, my own personal nuke, no one would ever dare challenge me again.”

“Yeah, that worked out great.” Dean says sarcastically. I slap him in the side gently.

“It all ended with me narrowly escaping death by hiding in a rat.” Crowley replies, pacing for a moment.

”Wait, in an actual rat?” Mary asks in disbelief. 

“Wasn’t too bad, really. Gave me time to think. You know, I’ve been focused for so long on keeping my job, I never realized, I hate it. All those whining demons, the endless moaning of damned souls, the paperwork! I mean, who wants that?”

”You.” Sam says. 

The former king nods. “Once, maybe.”

“Why are you here?”

“Well, whenever there’s a world-ending crisis at hand, I know where to place my bets. It’s on you, you big, beautiful, lumbering piles of flannel.” I can’t help the giggle that escapes at that comment. I loved Crowley’s wit and sarcasm. It was part of what made me fall for him in the first place, despite who he was and the terrible things he had done. Not to mention the fact he’s always had my family’s back, as well as mine. “So if you’ll forgive my transgression, I’ll make it worth your while.”

“Which means?” Dean asks, glaring softly at the demon.

“After we put Lucifer back in the cage, together, I’ll seal the gates of Hell. You’ll never see another demon again, apart from, of course, yours truly.” I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding at that. I couldn’t imagine a world where I couldn’t see Crowley whenever I wanted, or when we needed his help with a case.

“You’d do that?” Mary asks. 

“Why not? They stabbed me in the back. I’ll happily stab them in the front, the sides, and right up their black-eyed asses. So, we have a deal?” The boys nod silently. Then Crowley sits on the chair closest to me, while Dean, Sam and Mary sit in the remaining three and we go back to our search. I sneak glances at the gorgeous demon from time to time.

Everything is silent for a while, except for the sound of Sam and Mary typing, until Crowley suddenly sets his Craig down and says, “Is this what you do when I’m not here? Type?”

“Yep.” Dean says shortly, without taking his eyes from his iPad screen.

“Wait a minute, I got something.” Sam sits forward in his chair. “Ok two hours ago there was a massive power outage in the Pacific Northwest.”

“Sounds like the right kind of weird.” Mary replies. 

“Hell yeah. Ok, they tracked the outage to an address in North Cove, Washington, to a house currently being rented to one James Novak.”

“That’s Cas.” Dean slaps the table. “Let’s roll.” 

“‘Bout time.” Crowley starts to stand, when dean stabs his knife through his hand. He cries out in pain. 

“Dean what the fuck?!” I whirl around to face them and flinch at the sight of the knife pinning Crowley’s hand to the table. 

“You think we’re gonna trust you out there after what you pulled?! No. You sit down, you stay there, and you shut up.” He turns and walks away, leaving Crowley with the knife sticking out of the back of his hand. I hesitate for a moment, but the demon nods, silently telling me he’s ok.

We all stand and head out of the bunker, and pile into into Baby. I climb in the front seat next to Dean, clicking on the radio. 

“Hey, Shrimp, driver picks the music-“

“Shotgun shuts his cakehole. I know the drill, Dean. But you know I love classic rock as much as you do, so chill.” I roll my eyes at Dean, punching him softly on the arm. “Assbutt.”

He chuckles softly. “You have got to stop hanging out with Cas so much.” We settle into silence, other than me singing along to the radio.

We drive for hours until we get to the cabin. We all check our guns, then I look at Dean, nodding. We climb out of the Impala and head towards Jimmy Novak’s cabin, climbing the stairs and opening the door, to be met by Cas standing on the steps, angel blade in hand. 

“Oh for the love of Chuck, put that thing away Cas, it’s just us.” I roll my eyes.

“Dean.” Cas looks at all of us. 

“Cas, is this place warded?” Sam asks. 

“Yes, heavily.” Cas looks confused, like he’s wondering what we’re all doing here. 

“Heavy enough to stop Lucifer?” Dean growls out. 

“Lucifer?!” The angel takes a step forward. 

“He could be right behind us.” Mary interjects. 

“I don’t- what are you doing here?”

“Saving your ass!” Dean replies. 

Sam cuts in. “You and Kelly just taking off was a stupid move. There’s no way we’re letting Lucifer get his hands on that kid. It ain’t happening.”

“Sam’s right, ok? We’ll work through our crap later, we always do, but right now we’re here to get you, get Kelly, and get gone.”

“She can’t be moved. She’s having a-“ Kelly’s screams of pain cause all of us to look up. 

“I’ll go check on her” Mary climbs the stairs quickly, disappearing from sight.

“How much time do we have?” Cas asks, turning back towards Dean and me.

“We don’t know.” Sam replies, and I shake my head. 

“Ok, if he shows, can you flame on again? Can you torch Lucifer like you did Daigon?” Dean asks hurridly. 

“I don’t know, that wasn’t me, that was the child. And in case you didn’t notice, he’s a little busy.” Dean sighs, folding over a bit as the pain from his injuries acquired during the fight with the British Men of Letters catches up to him. Cas sighs heavily and strides over to him. 

“Here Dean.” He places his fingers on Dean’s forehead, using his grace to heal his injuries. 

“Thanks.” Dean blinks, shaking his head slightly. 

“We should double check the warding.” Sam strides to the cabins back door and reaches for the knob, Cas on his heels, Dean and I following. 

“Wait.” Cas spits out, too late.

“Alright, so listen, if we-“ Sam trails off. “Cas, What is that?”

“It’s a tear in space and time.” Cas replies. 

“Uh, and that means..?!” Dean asks.

“It’s a doorway to another world.”

“What, like Narnia?” I snort, covering it with a cough, but Dean catches it anyway, and rolls his eyes at me. 

“No. Through there, it’s earth, but different. It’s an alternate reality.” Cas takes a step toward the glowing line in the cabins backyard, with us trailing him.

“So, it’s a bizarro world. Or like the place we got zapped to when we were actors on a tv show.” Sam says with a frown.

“Oh yeah, where the supernatural wasn’t real?”

“Yeah.”

“And you were Polish.”

“Yeah... Cas, how did this get here?” Sam asks, ignoring Dean’s last comment.

“The child being born... his power seems to be ripping the fabric of our reality.” we all regard the tear silently for a moment.

“Awesome.” Dean says sarcastically. 

“Yeah. And what exactly is on the other side?” Sam asks slowly. 

“You don’t wanna know.” Cas replies. 

“Probably, but we need to.” Dean strides towards the tear, Sam, Cas and me on his heels.

We emerge on the other side and can only stare blankly for a moment. “Cas, what is this?” Swan eventually asks.

“As I said, it’s earth, but this earth is locked in an eternal war between heaven and hell. There are armies of angels fighting hoardes of demons, and the few humans that remain are caught in between.”

“How do you know that?” Sam asks as we walk cautiously forward.”

“A friend told me.”

“Oh great, you’re making friends now?!” Dean asks the angel, before turning to his brother. “Alright, on a scale of one to ten, how bad is this?”

Sam scoffs quietly. “I don’t know, I gotta say, a hole in reality to a bombed-out apocalypse world? I’d go with 11.”

Dean nods in agreement. “Sounds right.”

“You don’t have to worry. The child, he opened this door, he’ll close it.” Cas assures us. 

“You sure about that?” Dean counters. 

“Yes. I have faith.”

“Really? In your unborn baby-god?”

“Yes.” 

“Really? Well then you’re a dumbass.” Dean spits out angrily. 

“Guys. Guys!!” Sam shouts, stoping the argument. Dean and I turn our gazes to follow Sam’s, and the three of us aim our weapons at a figure striding towards us from a distance. 

“Hey, hands in the air!” Dean yells out. 

Cas raises his hand as the figure with a scarf wrapped around their face gets closer. “No, don’t.” The figure stops a few hundred feet from us and reaches up to pull the scarf from their face, revealing-

“Bobby?!” Sam asks, shocked. We all lower our guns slowly. 

“Do I know you?” Bobby Singer asks in his gruff voice. 

“Bobby... Sam, Dean, Cas. And Nyssa.” Sam says slowly. 

“Uh-huh. You say that like it’s supposed to mean somethin’ to me, but-” He shrugs.

“Sam, this is Bobby, but it’s not your-“

“Bobby, it’s us.” Dean cuts Cas off. “Sam and Dean Winchester. And Nyssa Johnson.”

“The only Winchester I ever heard of was John.”

“Yeah, John Winchester. Our father.” Sam says. 

“Doubt it. He’s dead. Been dead over forty years now. Only reason I know about him is this hunter I ran with, Mary Campbell. We did a few pints of ‘shine and she always told the same story about the man she loved, John Winchester. Azazel killed her about ten years ago.”

“Cas, what the hell is this?” Sam asks, confused. 

“This is a world in which you were never born. It’s a world you never saved.” None of us knew what to say to that.

“When this... whatever it is opened up, all sorts of alarms went off back at my place. I got here just in time to see your boy here get ambushed by a tempter demon.” Bobby turns away from the rip to face us. 

“A what?” Dean says, looking at Cas with confusion on his face. 

“It’s, uh, black eyes, pointy teeth, horns.” Cas explains. 

“Wait a second, demons have horns now?” Sam asks.

“It’s a whole new world, Sammy.” Dean answers. 

“Usually I gun down fly-boys on sight, but, uh, your boy looked... different. Wasn’t wearing a necklace full of baby ears, for one thing.” Bobby says as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. 

“We got to talking about where I came from, and our two worlds” Cas continues. 

“From what he says, it’s pretty much peaches ‘n’ cream on your side.”

“I wouldn’t say that, but it’s better than this.” Dean glances around quickly before returning his gaze to Bobby.

“Well, I don’t know. Ain’t so bad here, if you like killing angels.” Bobby says nonchalantly. 

“And, you do?” Sam asks slowly. 

“It’s my hobby. My passion. So, I figure it’s only a matter of time before the dicks upstairs get wind of this. And when that happens, me and Rufus get to work.” Bobby raises a semi-automatic. “He’s loaded with a hundred rounds, cast from old angel blades.”

“Angel killing bullets? Awesome.” Dean says in awe. We talk for a while longer before stepping back through the rip. 

“Are you alright?” Cas asks Dean, knowing the answer already. 

“No Cas, I’m pretty far from alright.” Dean says tightly. I place a comforting hand on his arm. “I mean we’ve got Lucifer on this side, we’ve got Mad Max world on that side. I mean, we’ve been down before but this?” He throws his hands up in frustration. “This, I don’t even know where to start.” We turn back towards the cabin to see Crowley standing there, and despite the absolute shit show of the past hour, I can’t help but beam when I see him. 

“Oh come on!!” Dean yells, throwing his hands in the air and rolling his eyes. 

“Hello boys. Again.” As soon as I hear his voice, I feel as if everything is going to be alright, somehow.

“Wait a second, how the hell did you-?“ Sam trails off as Crowley raises his hand, now wrapped in gauze, blood already soaking through. 

“I improvised. Lucky I did. Turns out I’m the answer to all your problems.”

Cas disappears into the cabin, presumably to check on Kelly. Dean, Sam and I follow behind heading to the dining room to reload our weapons. 

“You ready?” Dean asks as he loads a gun and hands it to Sam. 

“Nope. But when has that ever stopped us?” I chuckle nervously, and Dean lays his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently before standing. “You know, Cas has faith in this kid, but me? I have faith in us. You, me, mom, Cas, Nyssa...” He trails off, and I clear my throat, narrowing my eyes until he continues. “Crowley, sometimes. This is gonna work. It has to.”

Cas descends the stairs, heading toward the back door, the rest of us on his heels. We’re met by Lucifer, looking smug and self-satisfied as always. 

“Well, this is a fun surprise.” Cas’ angel blade appears in his hand from his sleeve as Lucifer talks. “I gotta hand it to you guys, you never give up. Even when you should. Even when you would be so stupid not to.” 

Sam addresses Lucifer. “Whatever you’re planning on doing, Chuck... god will stop you.”

“You’re right. What should I do? Oh god, don’t strike me dead!!” Lucifer mocks, chuckling. “C’mon Sam, you sound like a virgin at jesus camp. ‘We can’t, god is watching!’ No, Chuck walked. He’s gone.”

“So you’re just gonna smash his toys?” Dean interrupts. 

“Exactly. Cause every time I look at this sad trash fire of a world, you know what I keep thinking? I could do so much better.”

“So apocalypse take two, that’s your plan?”

“When in doubt, go with the classics, that’s what I always say.” Lucifer smirks. “Well boys, enough with the foreplay. Let’s do this.”

“See you on the other side boys.” Dean says, never taking his eyes off the devil. Cas strides toward Lucifer, angel blade raised, and the devil swats him away like an annoying bug, throwing him across the yard. I start to go towards him, but Dean stops me with a hand on my wrist. I lace my fingers with his and nod. Suddenly, Dean, Sam and I race away, towards the rip.

“Mature. Real mature! Guys? I really wanna enjoy this. I really wanna savor just getting all up in there and getting all gooey. But, uh, you know, little slugger’s almost here, and I’m on the clock.” Lucifer stalks towards us, rounding the side of the cabin. Dean, Sam and I are standing in front of the rip. We stare each other down for a moment before Dean touches the glowing line, sending the three of us to the other side. Lucifer isn’t far behind.

“You wanted the apocalypse? You got it.” Sam taunts Lucifer. 

Lucifer turns around to face him. “Sammy. Hey. Where’s your big bro? And the cute little one. What’s her name? Nyssa.”

“Right here.” Dean comes up from behind the devil, who turns, raising his eyebrows at the gun in Dean’s hand.

“Ooh, sweet toy.” Lucifer says mockingly. 

“Yeah, I got it off an old... new friend of mine. See, we have this bet, to see if it works against an archangel. So, say hello to my little friend.” Dean quotes Scarface as he aims towards Lucifer and starts shooting. Sam dives out of the way, running off. But it turns out the bullets have no effect on the devil at all. 

Sam runs behind the dune me and Crowley are crouched behind, and I quickly scan him for injuries before asking Crowley if he needs help. I try to ignore what’s happening on the other side of the dune and focus. 

“We do this ritual, we seal this rift, and we lock the devil in this god forsaken place, that’s the plan. Remember, two birds, one spell.” Crowley tells Sam. 

“Right, right. Just hurry!” Sam stands to check on his brother, I stay crouched, paying attention to Crowley, silently watching him sort the ingredients. Sam lists them off as Crowley adds them to the bowl before he lights a match and tosses it in, igniting the ingredients and starting the spell. 

“That’s the last of it, that’s everything.” Sam starts to stand, but Crowley stops him. 

“No it’s not.” Sam and I look at the demon expectantly. “Wanna heal that rip, you need one more minor ingredient. A life.” He stands and strides toward the fight before I can stop him. I dash after him, Sam on my heels.

“I could do this all day. You make such fun noises.” Lucifer crouches over Dean on the ground spitting blood out of his mouth. All of a sudden Crowley appears with a flash of red light, and the devil looks up.

“Surprise.” Crowley says with a half shrug. Lucifer laughs.

“Crowley! You sneaky little-. So I guess I get to kill you twice, huh Crowley.” My hands curl into fists as I watch. I don’t even notice I’m crying yet, I’m so focused on the scene in front of me. Terrified for the man I love. 

“I doubt it.” Crowley shoots back. 

“Oh, no, no, no. You had your chance. You could have put me back in the cage, but you had to make it personal, didn’t you?”

“You’re right. It is personal. You humiliated me. I- I hate you. Deeply. Truly. I’m going to enjoy wiping that smug, self-satisfied loon off your face. Personally.” Crowley takes one step toward Lucifer. I jump as the boys each put a hand on my shoulder. 

Lucifer puts his fingers on either side of his smirk. “You mean this one?” He laughs as an angel blade slides down into Crowley’s hand. “C’mon Crowley, you know whatever you try, you’re gonna lose.”

“You’re right.” He looks over his shoulder at us. “Bye boys.” He pauses for a moment before readjusting his grip on the angel blade. 

I watch the scene tensely, still not sure what he’s going to do. My breath catches in my throat as I watch him put the point against his own skin, and I try to run to him, but Dean and Sam hold me back. I can only watch in horror, a scream ripping from my throat as he plunges the angel blade into his stomach and his body crumples to the ground.

“No! Crowley!! Let me go! I can still save him!!” I sob, fighting with all my strength. “Please!!”

Suddenly, Cas comes through the rip, angel blade in hand, and marches toward the Devil. “Cas? Cas!” Dean yells as Sam fights to pull us both towards our own world. We tumble in a heap on the ground outside the cabin, and I watch as the rip starts to seal, with my demon’s body on the wrong side. Waiting with baited breath to see if Cas would come back through. 

Finally, we can all breathe again as Cas steps through, looking none the worse for wear. But our relief doesn’t last long as someone plunges an angel blade through his chest from behind. 

“No. No!!” Dean’s screams seem like they’re coming from a million miles away. I scream Cas’ name, my hands curling into fists, but all can think about is Crowley. I kneel on the ground, my arms around my stomach, my tears dripping off my face and landing on the dirt under me. Sam scoops me into his arms and I curl against his chest, sobbing. I beat his chest weakly, and he lets me.

“Damn you!! Damn you both!! You just left him over there, alone!! I can’t even bury him!!” I scream hoarsely, before I dissolve into tears again. Sam sinks onto the step, holding me, rocking me and stroking my hair gently.

“I know you loved him, Nyssa.” I sit up, searching Sam’s face. “It was obvious. The way you’d always trail off in the middle of a sentence when he came into the room, fixing your hair? I’m so sorry. But he made his choice. He did one last good thing.” He brushes the hair from my face and kisses my forehead. 

“I never told him. I was to afraid he didn’t feel the same way. I mean, why would he? Look at me.”

“You’re beautiful, Nyssa.” 

“Thanks, Sam. I love you. I love you both.” Dean was standing with his hands in fists at his side. I slip off Sam’s lap and walk over to him, slowly sliding my arms around his waist. He holds on to me like I was a lifeline. 

“We’ll get through this together, Dean. It’s gonna be ok. Eventually. We’ll find a way to get Cas back.” He lets out a strangled sob and holds me tighter. “I loved him, too. We all did. He was family.”

*end of flashback*

“Crowley, no!!” I wake up screaming, with tears soaking the pillow beneath my cheek. A strong arm pulls me back against a firm chest, and I curl into the protective embrace of Dean. I cling to him, glancing over his shoulder and breathing a sigh of relief when I see the bluest pair of eyes I’ve ever seen staring at me with concern in them. I reach out a shaky hand to cup Cas’ cheek, and he turns his head to kiss my palm. 

“Shh, Nyssa. You’re ok. We’ve got you. Cas is fine. We got him back, just like you told me we would.” Dean leans his forehead against mine for a moment, kissing me softly and flipping me in between both my boyfriends so I could curl into Cas’ embrace. I cling to him, shaking like a leaf. 

“I’m ok, Nyssa. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” He strokes my hair gently when I bury my face in his shoulder. 

“Crowley...” I sniffle, gasping for breath. “He should be here too.” 

“I know, Nyssa. I’m so sorry.” Cas kisses the top of my head softly.

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye. It happened too fast. I didn’t even realize what happened until it was over.” I’m shaking, working myself up. “I didn’t get to tell him-“ I trail off. Dean and Cas know all this already. 

“It’s been a while since your last nightmare, baby. What brought this on?” Dean asks, concern evident in his voice as he hugs me. 

“I found one of his suit coats when I was cleaning. I don’t even know what it’s doing here.” I nod my chin at it hanging over the chair at Dean’s desk. 

Dean sighs. “We’ll get rid of it in the morning, let’s get some more sleep.”

“No, Dean!! Please don’t throw it away. It’s all I have left...” 

“Fine, we won’t get rid of it unless your nightmares get worse. Deal?” I nod gratefully, laying my head on Cas’ chest. He strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head. 

“You won’t have any more nightmares tonight, honey. I promise. Go to sleep. I’ll still be here when you wake up, I promise.”

I sniffle, scooting closer to Cas, smiling as I feel Dean settle in behind me, draping his arm over us both. 

I wake up in the morning to the smell of coffee and bacon. I sit up and stretch, smiling as I feel Cas wrap his arms around me from behind. I lean into his embrace and he kisses me where my neck meets my shoulder.

“Good morning, love.” He says in his gorgeous husky voice. I turn my head to capture his lips in a tender kiss, feeling his lips curve into a smile against my mouth.

“I smell coffee. And bacon.” I rub sleep from my eyes. 

Cas chuckles softly. “Of course your first thought is of coffee.” 

I roll my eyes at him, taking his outstretched hand and climbing off the bed, quickly pulling on jeans, a tshirt and one of Dean's flannels. I take his hand again and we walk toward the kitchen. 

We make it to the door without Dean noticing, managing to sneak up behind him and surprise him with dual kisses to his cheeks. He chuckles and turns around, slipping one arm around my shoulders and the other around Cas’ waist. He kisses both of us softly. 

“Good morning, how did you sleep?” He addresses me; Cas doesn’t sleep. He doesn’t need to, he’s an angel. 

“Great, actually. Cas made sure of that.” I lean against the angel’s chest for a moment. “I need coffee.” 

I slip out from under Dean’s arm, walking toward the cupboard. I grab my ‘powered by unicorn farts’ mug, filling it with coffee and creamer and carrying it to the table. I set it down then grab five plates and forks, looking over my shoulder at Cas. ‘You want bacon and eggs?”

“Sure, that would be great.” He smiles softly, his dimples just barely showing. I grab another place setting, go over to the table and lay them out, walk back and grab three more coffee mugs, filling them and setting them in front of Dawn, Cas, and Sam’s places. I take out the milk and sugar and set it next to Cas’ mug, leaving Dean and Sam’s coffee black. Dean dishes up everyone’s food. 

“I’ll go wake up Jack and Mary...” I trail off as they walk into the kitchen. “Never mind.” I smile and stand on tiptoes to wrap my arms around Jack’s neck. He curls his body around mine like he always does. I kiss his cheek softly. “Morning, baby.” I’m rewarded with a smile for that comment.

“Sammy! Breakfast!” Dean hollers, earning a laugh and eye roll from Mary. 

Sam comes into the kitchen from the living room. “You know I was right in the next room, you didn’t need to yell. You could have walked over there. Jerk.”

“Bitch.” Dean shoots back. 

“Alright that’s enough boys. Let’s eat, I’m hungry.” I grab my plate and bring it over to Jack’s spot. He pulls me into his lap, smiling, and I cup his cheek in my hand, pressing my lips to his for a moment.

“Well ain’t that precious.” Dean teases us, taking a big bite of his eggs. I flip him off, and he laughs.

We all dig in, talking about random things, enjoying our family time. As I take the last bite of my eggs, I set my fork on my plate. “That was great, babe. Thank you. I’m gonna go outside for a while, ok? Just behind the bunker, I promise.”

The brothers and Cas all exchange looks, and I sigh. “Come on, I’ll be safe. I’ll bring my gun, even. I just want some fresh air.”

“Fine, ok. If you’re not back in two hours we’re coming out after you.” Dean tells me as the brothers take everyone’s plates over to the sink. 

“Promise. Thanks Dean.”

I go to my room and grab a photo album, cover decorated with glitter glue. ‘Crowley, King of Hell/Fergus MacLeod 1661-2017’ is on the cover in cursive. I take the photo album outside, sinking to the ground in front of a headstone. 

I set the photo album aside and start pulling weeds from around the grave marker. Then I brush the dirt out of the engraving before I kiss my fingers, touching them to the top. I start talking to Crowley as I flip through the album, which is filled with pictures of him. Most of them I shot sneakily when he wasn’t paying attention, but some of them are candids of him with the boys, and there’s even a few of the two of us.

“Hey, Crowley. Im sorry it’s been so long since I’ve been out here. Things have been really crazy. I’ve been helping the boys with cases. Trying to keep myself busy, you know? Keep my mind occupied. Otherwise I’m afraid the grief and guilt will crush me.”

“But I’ve been doing ok, I guess. Some days are better than others. Some days I just want to stay in bed all day and shut everything out. But the nights are the worst. At night I can’t stop the memories from replaying in my mind, plaguing my nightmares.” I sniffle, brushing my tears off of the page I’m on. 

“I wish you would have told me what you were planning. Or Dean and Sam. But you were a stubborn son of a bitch. I know none of us could have talked you out of it. But maybe... I don’t know.” I scrub at my face harshly. “Damnit. I miss you. I miss you so much. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you, don’t think about you. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret not telling you... it doesn’t fucking matter anymore. It’s too late.” 

I trail off into silence as I look through the rest of the album. Then I scoot around the side of the headstone, hugging the photo album to my chest as I close my eyes. 

Next thing I know, I feel someone shaking my shoulder gently. I open my eyes, blinking at the harsh light. Sam is crouched in front of me, looking at me with concern in his eyes. 

“Huh? Sam? What time is it?” I yawn, stretching to work out the kinks in my back from sleeping against Crowley’s headstone. 

“It’s almost 11:30. You’ve been out here since 10. I barely managed to convince Dean not to come out here.”

“Shit, Sam. I’m sorry. I found this spot last year, and thought it would be a great spot to put a headstone. I come out here to think sometimes.” I slowly try to hide the photo album behind my back. 

“What’s that, honey?” I cringe softly and hand it over with a sigh. Sam takes it and reads the cover.

“Oh Nyssa. Come here.” He pulls me into his arms. 

My face crumples and I blink tears away. Sam sighs softly. 

“You know there’s nothing we could have done. He didn’t tell any of us what he was planning.”

“I know, you’re right. I know that. But there’s part of me that wishes there was something I could have done. The guilt and regret is eating me alive. I should have told him how I felt, I could have... I should have brought him back with us.” I sigh, pulling at the sleeve of Dean’s flannel that I pulled on when I woke up. “Sam, if I show you something, will you promise me you won’t freak out? You have to swear not to tell Dean, too. Or Cas.”

“Ok...” Sam nods slowly. “I won’t tell them. I promise.”

I sigh softly, pulling my right sleeve up, revealing a white bandage. Sam grabs my hand gently.

“Honey, what did you do? Did you fall?” Sam stares at the bandage, lwaiting for me to take it off myself. 

I swallow thickly, blinking away tears. “No, I didn’t fall...”

“Then what-“ Sam trails off as he realizes what I’m implying. “Oh Nyssa, tell me you didn’t.”

 

“I’m sorry...” I bury my face in Sam’s shoulder for a moment. Then I pull away, sighing as I pull the bandage off, revealing dozens of cuts in different stages of healing. The freshest cuts are in the shape of words. ‘I’m sorry’ spans the length of my forearm in jagged letters. 

“Sweetheart, why didn’t you come to me? You kno you can always talk to me.”

“I was ashamed. I didn’t want you to know. I wanted it to seem like I was doing ok. But I’m not ok, Sam. I haven’t been ok for a really long time.” I pull my knees to my chest with my uninjured arm. “I thought I could be strong. But I can’t.” A tear rolls down my cheek, and Sam catches it with a finger. 

“You are strong, Nyssa. You’re so strong. You could have chosen to cut downwards, or deeper. Or worse, you could have chosen to swallow a bottle of pills and end it all. But you don’t. You’re still here. And for what it’s worth, I know Crowley would appreciate this.” He jerks his chin toward the headstone.

“Sammy, Nyssa!! Where are you?” Dean rounds the corner of the bunker, slowing when he sees the headstone. “What is this?” He kneels down to read the engraving on the grave marker, then looks over his shoulder at me. 

“Did you do this?” I nod slowly. Dean regards me with sadness written on his face.

“Are you mad?” I sniffle, squeezing my eyes shut for a moment. 

“Come here, baby.” Dean pulls me against his chest, stroking my hair. “Of course I’m not mad. I think it’s sweet.” He leans back on his heels to look into my eyes, kissing my forehead. His gaze lands on the photo album, his gaze tracing the words on the cover.

“Wanna go inside and look at this?” He stands up, holding out a hand to help me up before scoping me into his arms, making me giggle. 

“Yeah, can we? That would be nice.” 

We go inside, and Dean sits on the couch. I lay my head on his chest as Sam sits next to us. “Do you mind?” He asks. I shake my head. We spend the next few hours looking at the pictures, reminiscing about the memories attached to them. Eventually, I yawn.

“I’m tired, I think I’m gonna take a nap.” I accidentally push myself up with my bad arm, and I suck in a breath. “Fuck.”

“Hey, are you ok, let me see.” Dean takes my arm and stares blankly at it before looking up at me. I look at my exposed injury. I forgot to put the bandage back on. “What. The. Fuck.”

I pull my arm back, turning away and sliding off Dean's lap, wrapping my arms around my middle. “Dean... I....”

“What the hell did you do, baby?” He holds out his hand and takes a hesitant step toward me. I let him pull me into his arms. I hug him with my uninjured arm, sobbing into his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, Dean. After Crowley died, I couldn’t handle it. Every time I cut, I figured I deserved it. I figured it was only right, cause I couldn’t save him.” 

He brushes the tears from my cheeks with his thumb. “Crowley wouldn’t want you to blame yourself, sweetheart. You know that, don’t you?” I nod, swallowing quickly.

“Rowena could probably whip up something to heal that, and get rid of the scars, if you want. Or Cas could-“ 

“No, I don’t want Cas to know. He’d blame himself, he’d think he should have known, that he could have stopped me. Hell, I wasn’t even planning on you finding out. I didn’t want you to be mad.”

Dean sighs. “I’m not mad, baby. I’m worried about you. I just want you to be ok.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever be ok. It should be Lucifer that’s dead. And if I ever get face-to-face with him, he will be. I’ve still got a score to settle with him for what he did to Crowley.”

“That’s never gonna happen. I won’t let you get that close to him. I won’t let you get within a hundred feet of him alone. Ever. He’ll never get the chance to take you away from me.”

I smile, standing on tiptoes to my hand around the back of Dean’s head, pulling his lips to mine and kissing him softly. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I’m gonna go wrap this up, ok?”

“I’ll help you. C’mon.” He puts his arm behind my knees, sweeping my feet out from under me and scooping me into his arms, making me giggle. He carries me into our room and sets me down on the bed. 

“I’ll be right back, I’m gonna go get the first aid kit.” He kisses my forehead and leaves the room, returning a few minutes later. “Let me see.”

I hold out my arm, and Dean carefully covers it, kissing the bandage tenderly when he finishes. “No more of this, promise me.” I nod wearily.

“I’d like to be alone, if that’s ok. I’m just gonna binge Vampire Diaries for a while.” I pull my MacBook into my lap, powering it up and logging into Netflix.

“Ok, me and Sam are gonna make dinner around 4:30. Spaghetti or tacos?” I look up from my laptop and narrow my eyes at my boyfriend.

“You act like you don’t know me at all.” 

He chuckles. “Yeah, good point. Tacos it is. I’ll let you know when it’s ready.” He winks at me, making me chuckle, and walks away. I settle in to watch my show for a while. As I’m in the middle of my third episode, there’s a knock on my door. I pause the episode and look up to see Cas standing in the doorway. 

“Hey you. What’s up?” I smile.

“I sensed your sadness, and I wanted to see if you were alright.” He sits on the end of the bed, putting his hand on my knee. I sigh, scrubbing my hands over my face. 

“No, Cas. I’m not ok.” A tear runs down the side of my face. Cas takes my laptop, setting it aside before pulling me into his lap. I bury my face in the side of his neck, and he wraps his arms around me. “I miss him, so much. It’s eating me up inside and there’s nothing I can do to make it better. I’ve looked through every magic book I have, including Rowena’s, and all of the ones in the archives. I’ve combed through every book on demons, and there’s nothing. No documented cases of demons coming back, either on their own or with a spell. He’s gone, and there’s nothing I can do!!”

“I know sweetheart. I know. Shh, it’s ok. I got you.” Cas rubs my back and kisses the top of my head. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You have to let him go at some point.”

“I can’t, Cas!! I love him, and I never told him!! I was a coward, cause I thought there was no way he’d ever feel the same way. I mean, he probably thought of me as a child. I’m three hundred and thirty-one years younger than him, after all.” My whole body shakes with silent sobs as tears roll down my face, soaking the collar of Cas’ trench coat.

“He felt the same way, Nyssa. I saw the way he looked at you when you weren’t paying attention. Like you were the most beautiful girl he ever saw. I assume he never told you for the same reason you never said anything to him. He didn’t think he was good enough for you. We talked about you when we were paired up for that ghost baby case.” 

I sit up and search Cas’ face. “You’re serious.”

“I would never lie to you, Nyssa. And I wish you and Crowley would have had a chance to be together. Even though Dean wouldn’t have been too thrilled. He would have gotten used to it. Are you alright now? I’d like to spend some time with jack before dinner.” I nod slowly. 

“Yeah, I’m ok. Thank you, Cas. I love you.” I wrap my arm around Cas’ neck and pull him to me for a slow, sweet kiss before he stands up and leaves the room. I pick up my laptop and turn my attention back to Vampire Diaries.

“Hello, love.” I shake my head slowly as Crowley’s slightly gruff voice suddenly hits my ear. That was new. I’d never halucinated his voice before. “What, you’re not gonna say hello? I’m hurt.” I glance up at the doorway, and all the blood drains from my face. Great, now I was seeing things. 

“You’re not real. Crowley’s dead, I can’t get him back. No matter how much I want it.”

The ‘hallucination’ of the demon I love walks into the room and sits on my bed. “If I was a hallucination, could I touch you?” He brushes my hair from my face. My breath catches in my throat. 

“What... how... how is this possible? How are you here?” Tears roll freely down my cheeks. I set my laptop aside, Netflix completely forgotten. 

I reach out a trembling hand to cup Crowley’s cheek, feeling his scruff scratch at my palm. I let out a strangled sob and throw myself into his arms, wrapping my arms around his neck and feeling his come around my middle. I bury my face in his neck, my shoulders trembling.

“I heard you, love. Every word you’ve ever spoken when you were alone. I’ve spent every day trying to get back to you. Sure, I missed Squirrel and Moose as well. But my biggest motivation was being able to see your gorgeous face again.” He pushes me back so he could lock his gaze with mine. I stare into the whisky-colored orbs I never thought I’d see again.

“How is this possible? Every book I’ve ever read, there have been no documented cases of demons coming back after they die.” I swallow thickly, blinking away tears. 

“Well, darling, I assume that’s because no demon in history has had anything worth coming back for, someone who cared if they were gone. Until now. I’m so sorry, love. I couldn’t tell Squirrel and Moose what I was planning. I didn’t want them trying to stop me. It was the only way we could ensure that Lucifer would get locked away.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t catch you when you fell. I’m sorry I couldn’t say goodbye. I tried to get to you but Sam wouldn’t let me go. I should have fought harder, I should have made sure I could get your body back here. You deserved so much better. You deserved a proper burial, not just a headstone.”

“Shh, darling. I know, it’s alright. You could have ended up trapped in the alternate world if Sam wouldn’t have pulled you through. You didn’t deserve that. You would have had to fight every day to stay alive, avoiding Lucifer and the angels. You needed to come back and live your life without me.” The former King of Hell kisses my forehead softly, and I squeeze my eyes shut. 

“That’s the thing. I haven’t been truly living for a long time. I’ve just been going through the motions. I never wanted to live without you.” I carefully peel the bandage back, exposing my forearm. Crowley just stares at it for a moment before taking my wrist gently in his hand. 

“Darling... why would you do this to yourself? You’re too beautiful to mar your skin like this.” He ghosts his fingers over the scars on my arm, tracing the words I carved into my skin.

“I wanted to feel just a fraction of the pain you felt when you plunged that blade into your stomach. I figured if I couldn’t save you from it, I could at least do this. And if I died, well, then at least I could see you, or my memory of you, in heaven.” I smooth the bandage back down. 

“You foolish, gorgeous girl.” Crowley says gently, no trace of anger in his tone. There was only affection. I wrap my arms around his neck again, holding on to him as if my life depended on it. “Nothing that happened is your fault. And do you know how painful it would be for me, and Squirrel, Moose and Feathers, if you were to end your life, purposely or otherwise?”

“I know, that was the only thing preventing me from actually doing anything. I didn’t want them to blame themselves.” I cup the demon’s face in my hands, taking in every inch of his face. “I can’t believe you’re here. I’m terrified if I go to sleep tonight, I’ll wake up in the morning and find out it was all a dream.”

“It’s not a dream, darling. And I promise you, I will never leave you again.” He tips my chin up and angles his head to kiss my lips tenderly. I moan into the kiss, pressing every inch of my body against his. I wrap my arms around his neck and tangle my fingers in his hair, deepening the kiss. Crowley chuckles against my mouth, pulling away. I whimper softly from the loss of contact. “You need to rest, my lovely girl. I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”

I nod slowly, and Crowley settles in against my headboard. I lay on his chest, grabbing a fistful of his suit coat. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and I smile. 

“I love you, Fergus MacLeod. I always have.” I murmur softly as I drift off to sleep. “I’m so happy you’re here.”

“I love you, too, darling. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for showing me I’m worthy of love. Sleep now, my beauty. I’ll be here when you wake up. I promise you.”

I pull myself tighter against Crowley’s side, and drift off in the arms of the demon I love.

 

 

 

 

 

A


End file.
